Damn, what's this life ? What have I become ? I think I am losing all my senses. No matter how much I am trying to motivate myself, I am not getting that zeal to start the work again. I am destroying the Abubakr I created years ago. I desperately need to get back to my research. But how ? I am wasting time on Orkut, wasting time thinking about crap things, wasting time thinking about past.. what's this life.

 

I am unable to retain that "determined interest" even for hours. I am giving away every thought that I get. God, please help me. I don't want to end up my life as an ordinary human being.  Please, shower some mercy on me. I hate myself for wasting away all those valuable seconds. I can't believe I have spent 3 hours on orkut. I hate google for coming up with a new look for orkut, that actually instigated me to keep browzing. I am all screwed today... God knows why.... 

 

Thinking to start.. and to start.. there is so much of difference.. Alrite the wait is over.. Abbu is going to start the paper now.. bye guyz.. will let you know tomarrow abt it.

Just heard someone shouting "why always me ?"

 

Lots of people have asked me that "why do you write all sad things in your blogs ? can't you write something chearful ? " well, guys, blog is a place where I remove my desperation and frustration.

 

When ever you are angry or frustrated, the best thing to do is shout, shout so louder that all the anger in you goes out. Now, my problem is that I can't shout, so I try to express my sadness through blogging. I just realized that I am so damn bad at English. Neither I have a good vocablory nor the talent to frame beautiful sentences. My deep consicious asks me "is it required ?"

 

Every citizen of the developed nation speaks and does research in their own native language. And we Indians have lost our identity. We are more interested in intimidating outsiders and we are hypocratic enough to not accept this fact. Anyhow, forget it. My ideas are often confusing for others, sometimes for me as well.

 

Why does my brain goes so null whenever I start writing the blog ? Damn, trying to pick one topic out of infinite things happening around and finding it so difficult. Yesterday, India Lost the match and lost my sleep. However, I don't like to discuss this topic here since its so damn outdated. I have lost my interest in cricket, maybe few years ago I would have written pages on this topic but today I am happy not analyzing cricket.

 

So, what shall we talk ? Let me put it in this way, how should i bore you ? Actually, after sometime my blogs will become interesting. I am slowly slowly gaining that nack of writing interesting things. There was a time when I was proud of my sense of humor and I am making a huge effort to bring it back. But how should i bring ? I know, now i am really confusing you all. Well, i think there is hardly anyone who reads my blog!!

 

By the way, yesterday I made a resolution to change my day to day life. It was becoming too predictable. Confining life with limited thoughts is the last thing i want to do in this life. Life has taught me many lessons, from aiming at skies to falling flat on ground. One of my friend said long back that "i am loser by heart but winner by brain". Wow, that was good. However, I want to change it now, I have fallen in love with science and I don't want to break my heart atleast this time. I think again, I am deviating from the topic. Actually I think I have this habit, I start from one thing and finally end up with another.

 

I will end this crap by now. Bye Take care.

 

 

 

 

Most of the times I keep wondering about how to start the new topic. When I am not before the computer I get around million ideas which I would like to express from Indo-US Nuke deal to Quantum Entanglement. But when I start writing something, the words don't come. Probably what distinguishes a writer from others is the ability to keep expressing a insignificant thing in a very interesting way. I am 99% sure I don't have that ability. Considering the fact that I have very limited english vocablory, I find it very difficult to give workings to my emotions. There is so much to say in life and yet most of it goes down in silence. Even though we all have an "Freedom to Expression" right, we often don't use to its best. We regulate ourselves from giving opinions and taking a stance for majority of the issues going on in our society.

 

Morning while taking bath, I got lost into a throught concerning "Water". It took few scoldings from my mom to recover back to normal situation as I made half of my water tank empty. The water drops striking my head had a strange effect on my head. They wanted to convey me something, there is something different about "water" that we haven't yet discovered. Can you imagine your life without this amazing compound ? I don't know, why I still feel there is something unknown, mysterious and intriguing about it.

 

Unfortunately, nowadays, I have lost my touch in writing papers. My thinking curve has taken a negative slope ever since september 2007. I hate my brain spending time processing all philosophical and emotional thoughts. People around me have created such mental set backs that I am yet to recover fully from it. One damn thing after another, the list goes on and You find me middle of no where. Anyhow, at this moment I want to forget every damn thing that happend.

 

I am trying hard to get my speed, accuracy and creativity back. Once again I want to get back to the stage where I percieved fragrance of flowers as aromatic nature of corboxilic benzyl components. Not sure whether its corboxilic benzyl, i think its para aldehyde ortho methy beneze. See, this is my state. There was a time when chemistry was my favorite subject. Probably the only subject I loved. The things I love I never get.. that's how my life has always been...

 

Such a bad news that submissions for "Think Week" are already closed. Hey, I am not dissappointed. If not today, I am sure I will have my hands on it next year. By the way, Interns are not allowed for this event. So it would have not made much difference. 

 

Today I read Amir Khan's Blog, www.lagaandvd.com/blog.php . It was really facinating and Amir is really a creative person. The way he is handling the blog and replying to the questions is really awesome.

 

Just now received this mail from Sedsic team

 

DEAR SIR,

AS YOU KNOW THAT WE HAVE ALREADY CLOSED ACCEPTING ABSTRACTS FROM 10TH AUGUST ITSELF AND THE ABSTRACTS HAVE ALREADY REACHED THE INTERNATIONAL REVIEWERS SO WE ARE EXTREMELY SORRY TO SAY THAT WE CANNOT RECIEVE YOUR ABSTRACT AS ON NOW.

WE ARE INDEED VERY SORRY FOR THE SAME SIR.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST IN SEDSIC07
THANKING YOU,

YOURS FAITHFULLY

Ms KRISHNA MOHANTY

EVENT COORDINATOR

NAKSHATRA

SEDSIC TEAM PH NO -09994627720

 

The worst thing is that I have submitted the paper right on time. I have no damn idea why it reached on 14th August whereas I have submitted the paper on 10th August.

 

I tried installed Latex but  its there seems to be some problem. I hate getting struck up. Was working on an old paper which I left in the middle.

 

Got another 15 minutes to catch the cab and I have no idea who to do for this 15 minutes. Thought of writing something interesting but at the moment I am all blown up.  Dance Practice for tomarrow's 1001 event is going great except that I am missing all the steps. Dhoom 2 steps are quite cool, the problem is coming with some crap telugu song. Lets see how it turns out tomarrow. After delivering those wonderful papers on stage, this will be my first attempt in a new field. I hope once again success comes on my way. By the way, I don't have any damn expectations from it. Even if people call me a bad dancer, I will still be famous.

 

Hmm.. I am running short of words, typing something without a proper theme so damn difficult.

 

I will cut my crap here. Good night.

 

Abbu: Terribly getting bored with my life, no new ideas striking the brain. What am i supposed to do in such situations ?

 

Newton: Scientifically speaking, ideas don't strike when the brain doesn't generate enough number of random thoughts. Or its deviated over another  thing.

 

Abbu: Probably, that's the case with me. At the moment, I am all screwed with myself. I am wasting enough time on stupid things.

 

Newton: Stupid things like what ?

 

Abbu: There's enough amount of distraction around. Sometimes I get so annoyed with life, i wish i was a Non-sexual organism.

 

Newton: What do you mean by Non-sexual organism ?

 

Abbu:  ahh... i mean an organism which doesn't have feeling for the opposite sex.

 

Newton: dude, you are going astray. I tried the same and people ended up calling me homosexual.

 

Abbu: Then what should i do ? btw, are there any physical objects that have this property ?

 

Newton: ??

 

Abbu: Well, you see.. quantities such as charge, poles, etc have their counterparts. And then there are quantities such as Mass which doesn't have any known counter part. are there any quantities that doesn't have any counter part and they doesn't attract each other..

 

Newton: Good question. .. Matter - Anti- matter ..

 

Abbu: yeap.. quantum mechanics has a concept of negative mass

 

Newton: Is it ? damn, i have lots of conflicts with quantum mechanics

 

Abbu: Mass  and Mass gives gravity, call it as mass-mass attraction

 

Newton: possitive charge - negative charge attraction

 

Abbu: North pole - South pole attraction

 

Newton: hey, there's another thing, for charge and poles, there is repulsion as well

 

Abbu: Yeah, that doesn't exist for Mass.. this damn gravity itself is so mysterious

 

Newton: so now, we are looking for quantities that behave as "neutral"

 

Abbu: hey dude, we do have Neutron, that's neutral with respect to charge but does have mass

 

Newton: this conversation is getting really interesting

 

Abbu: Can there be a quantity that neutralizes all the forces ?

 

Newton: that's exactly what i was thinking

 

Abbu: if such quantity exists it can behave as "isolated Universe"

 

Newton: isolated Universe ?

 

Abbu: yeah, imagine this "the quantity has no effect of any of the forces, it is impossible to communicate with such quantity.."

 

Newton: yeah.. exactly. It behaves like an isolated system, a system which cannot be communicated. Can such system communicate with us ?

 

Abbu: that's the exact question going through my mind

 

Newton: if it has to communicate iwth us, it needs to exert a force that can have an effect on us

 

Abbu: yeah, and if it has to do that, then it needs to break the symmetry.

 

Newton: yeah, either it breaks the symmetry .. but breaking symmetry is a very complicated process here

 

Abbu: ??

 

Newton: look, the situation is like this, suppose Particle X which is Isolated, wants to communicate with Particle Y . It has to send any one or more number of known force.. hence atleast one symmetry is broken, if it uses electrostatic force, then it needs to generate charge and so on..

 

Abbu: wow.. do you think such particles exist in our universe ?

 

Newton: Well, how can i say that ?.. i can't communicate with them right ?

 

Abbu: haha... anyhow lets try to understand the properties of such particle

 

Newton: cool.. i was also thinking the same

 

Abbu: wait.. i guess lets start writing a paper on this ..titled "Disconnected System With a System"

 

Newton: cool..

 

Abbu: Lets go in a standard way.. i am downloading LaTex ... let me finish it

 

 

___ Remaining conversation once i am done with my LaTex Download. Thanks for reading___

 

 

 

 

No matter how much I have planned my life, God always had a new thing planned for me. Fortunately God has been very kind by giving me more than I can ask for. 7 months back I wouldn't have believed that I would be interning at Microsoft.  Actually I had no damn interest in software.

 

But then, life has changed now. Free food at canteen, free cool drinks, choclate milk, high speed internet to blog, etc have become part of life. Being an Intern at Microsoft is such a great experiance, people here are so supportive and co-ordial. I had all wrong notion about the professional people, after joining microsoft it all changed. No dress code, no timings and handsome pay, what else can i ask for ? My mom says "I have become lazier than before now". Now-d-days I get up 12:00 PM, reach microsoft by 2:30 noon, and well after that you all know... orkuting, chatting and blogging. Hey wait, I missed out something important, i mean "the work". Trust me, if you put your brain properly for one hour a day, you can finish of all the work. Generally, it doesn't happen that way. You tend to get distracted by something or the other. For example, today when I went to cafetaria, there was this gorgeous tall lady in saree. Her height was more than me and she was damn hot. What am I supposed to do ? It was naturally distracting.

 

Maintaining proper concentration is a really a tough thing with so many distractions around. I forgot to say, that lady was wearing backless. It just flashed on my mind now, hence thought of mentioning. I know, I am sounding very stupid but my thoughts are natural.  Anyhow, lets come back to the topic, My first five months of internship was at MMS CoE. If you wondering what it stands for, keep wondering. I developed some cool tools for Data Protection Manager V2 using Windows PowerShell Scripting language.

 

A week back I joined ACE Performance Team for two more months of internship. Had some training on performance tools and at the moment banging my head trying to understand various aspects of networks. Lets see where the life takes...

 

Well guys, now-a-days i am not writing papers as much as i used to write before. Probably that's because I have lost motivation in life. I don't know how to explain it, all i can say is that it hurts. How can i stay away from writing papers ?

 

Few days back I came across call for posters for High performance computing conference (www.hipc.org). Suddenly I could see that enthusiam in all my neurons but then it damped pretty quickly. No Idea why this is happening. Also, at the moment I am unable to generate some good research ideas. My instinct says "i have lost my touch" but then there is always a thing called "hope". I am just hoping this period won't last long. Writing Papers is integral part of my life, it would be a great loss to be if i fail to write good papers.

 

One of the main reason I started Blogging is to start using key excessively. Just trying my luck that while writing any blog I might get any new idea.

 

Yes, got one stupid idea.. From now on I will try to express my split personality in my future posts.

 

 

 

Its very difficult to understand the way human brain generates random thoughts. Well, I haven't done much research in Cognitive sciences, hopefully i will do it in future. The worst problem in my life has been "over thinking over a situation". If that didn't make sense to you then let me explain in simpler words.

 

For any damn stupid situation, I tend to think from multiple directions. The condition gets worse when I read newspaper. I tend to analyze every politian's view, its future effects and how does it help the nation. And most of the times, I end up scolding the politian and cursing the people who follow them. Sometimes, just by the speech of the politian you can understand that he/she is lieing. I hate the people who become patriotic by listening to the speeches of politians. Damn, India doesn't need patriotism, we already have excess of it. What we need is development, what we need is proper schemes, what we need is discipline but no one talks about it.

 

I am 21 now and legally allowed to Vote during elections. But whom should I vote ? Majority of the politians are criminals, rowdies and charecterless people. And its the unfortunate state of the nation is that these people are leading the nation. For a party to be in Power, it needs 272 seats in Lok Sabha. Out of the 272 members of the party with majority, minimum 150 members are criminals. Now to run the government has to protect all those criminals to retain the power in the parliament. Now do you call this system as democracy ?

 

Whatever.. I guess I am deviating from the topic. yes, we are back to Science ke Side/Effects. There are lots of funny incidents that I can mention here.  Long back, i wrote a love letter... ahem ahem.. to a girl.. but unfortunately it was more like a paper. According to people love letter is supposed to be romantic but this is no ordinary love letter, it was written by a scientific mind, hence it was more like a scientific paper. Actually in that love letter, i was trying to calculate the probability of getting accepted. Well, you know all those integrations ,  differentiation, lots of equations,... and since i wrote the mail in Yahoo so it doesn't support mathematical symbols I was force to write symbols as "epsilon", "delta" .... Obviously that girl might have thought "what the heck .. is he proposing me or a scientific theory ?? ".. hehehe.. The end result she told me "I don't carry any feelings for you". Guess what i did after that, i started studying neural signal processing. Why ?

 

Its simple... unknowingly she inspired me to study that. Had she said "I don't have any feeling for you" it would have been plain english. I would have felt dissappointed for day or two and then would have been back to my research. But she used the specific word "carry". Now, to  carry a particular feeling, one needs memory, a register to load it and lots of neural signal processing. So simple !! Now I forgot everything else and starting studing/thinking about neural signal processing. It was only after 10-15 days I realised that girl has rejected me. But till then, I think I was more interested in Cognitive Sciences than her.

 

I have simple rule in life, whatever happens in life can lead to a scientific discovery. Every little thing is important. One need not wait for the Newton's apple to fall. That apple can be anything for you!!

 

The only good thing about my life has been my passion towards science. Even though I have given nothing to science so far but it has given me everything. From Respect to livelihood, Science has given me everything that I can ask for.

 

From my side, I have always given everything to science. One example about this I can give is "...long back my dad had a heart-attack and he was in I.C.U. Any son on the planet earth wouldn't have sat outside I.C.U reading about the Eigen Vectors and Matrixs. That day people cursed me like hell for being so called "disgraceful son". But was I ?  After few days when my dad recovered totally, that's after a heart surgery he called me and asked about this indicent. My only reply was "I would have brought you back to this world by constructing a time machine". He knew, I would have done it for real.

 

Actually, I wrote few relativistic equations to reverse the time frame {minkowshi's vector} and to obtain the solution, the easiest way was to use Matrices. The inverse of the Matrix satisfies the reverse order equation for the time frame. That was the "stupid" theoretical framework for Time Machine. Fortunately, I don't need a time machine anymore, my dad is well and healthy.

 

Some professor adviced me that "I should concentrate only in one field". Probably he is right but for me it puts a contraint over my thinking. I want to be free, I want creative freedom to understand, analyze, propose and disprove. Its not easy to switch between astronomy, electronics, computer sciences, quantum mechanics etc but I am used to it.  When we can see, smell, feel, listen and taste why can't we perceive research in multiple things ?  Its just the inability of many people that forces them to think that way. I am more inspired by LeoNardo da vinci who could do many thing all at a time.

 

I have to acknowledge the effort of my parents here. Its not easy to handle a son like me who likes to see every other thing scientifically.

 

Long back, I doubted the existence of God. I wasn't calling myself as Muslim as I doubted the idea of Religion as science was my only religion. Imagine what my parents would have gone through during this phase of time. But my parents never forced me to change my thoughts, instead they gave me a book called "The Holy Quran" and asked me "Prove atleast one single sentence in this book wrong scientifically". That's it.

For Six months, I read the English Version the book "The Holy Quran" and believe it or not there's some magic. I couldn't find even a single sentence that conflicts with science. Infact the book was written in 8th Centuary AD and yet it incorporates the most advanced science. From black holes to semiconductors, it has it all. This was like a revolution for me.

 

Well, hopefully in my future blogs I will discuss more about the advance science in Holy Quran.

 

Life is very odd, it always tries to dictate terms to you. There are things which I wanted to do in Life and there are many things which I never wanted to do. 

 

There is always a conflict between heart and brain. Whenever I used my heart, I ended up regretting over my decisions. Its not that I have only done good in Life, there are some dark truths in my life which I would never like to disclose.  I wish I could delete those memories from my brain, I wish I could modify the Cosmological Timeline to make my life a bit more respectful.

 

Sometimes I think "I am the biggest sinner in the world" and sometimes my memory goes so bad that I can only recollect the good things I have done. Nevertheless, the things I have done can't be changed no matter what. That's the truth that hurts me most.

 

When things go wrong, they go wrong as a chain reaction. One damn thing leads to another and I kept on entering into the dark world of sins. The sins that I can't openly confess, the sins that burden my thoughts and peace of mind.

 

People ask me "why do you do so many things at a time ?" The reason is I want to avoid my brain thinking about those sins. I want to give my brain so much amout of work that it finds no time to recollect and repent. I know I am bad, I know I am sinner... but somewhere deep in my heart that good person is still alive that makes me write all this. I wish that good person had control over my life.

 

Long back I wrote this

 

 

I can only hope that God forgives my sins. But then, I want to get punished. Please Pray for me.