There is a winner and loser within every person. Sometimes, no matter how much effort you put in winning, you end up losing and sometimes without even additional effort you end up on a winning note. I believe what differentiates in life is when you have won and when you have lost than what you have won and what you have lost. While my brain ponders over the sentence I have written, let me write few lines about my previous post. I want to thank the people close to my heart for being so supportive and accepting me like always. I promise that I would never let you down. 

Alright, back to the discussion, I see that my life is getting directed towards a strange path. Like most of us, even I am victim of circumstances. When the circumstances are favorable, we let it control our life and when circumstances are not in favor, we start complaining about life.  So, instead of complaining, I wanted to design a strategy so that I come out of the troubles and be a winner in life. But then, if it was so easy, every Tom Dick and Harry would have been successful in life. That’s when I thought, is there any generic way of dealing with circumstances? And this is what I have found.

1.       Ask yourself about all the things you have done wrong which people are not aware of.

2.       Nine of ten times, troubles in life are due to getting caught about something you have done in past. Make sure that everyone close to you is aware of your darkest secrets. So, when they come to know about it from others, they won’t leave you.

3.       Make sure that you analyze circumstances in life as much scientifically as possible. There are lot many things in life that can be defined using probabilities/numbers. But there will be few critical situations in life where you have to listen to your “heart”. And when you do that, make sure you let people know that you have taken that decision listening to your “heart”.

4.       Opening up on discussions is very critical in life. Make sure you communicate what you are to all the people around you including your parents, relatives, friends, etc. At the same time, try to understand their needs. Analyze scientifically about your capabilities in helping and loving them.

5.       We all are human beings and there is nothing called “perfection”. It only depends on how you are viewing a person. Therefore, when you find out something wrong in others. Don’t react like that person has betrayed you, help them in coming out of it because everyone needs support during bad times. Relationships are meant for supporting each other.

As of now, this is the best I can think of. And I am making a huge attempt in getting all five of them. Let’s see how far this leads me to!

Long back when I read the book “The Story of My Experiments With Truth”, the biography of Mahatma Gandhi, I asked myself, Can be as open as Gandhi about life? That’s when I decided, let me experiment it this way, I would tell everything about me to everyone, irrespective of whether it would lead to good or not. There have been occasions when the experiment has gone really bad and there are times when the experiment has given me solace. For all this and that said, I am just a human being who commits mistakes and learns from mistakes to rise in life.  My father told me once, “Great people seldom take time in accepting their fault and follies”.  I want to be a great scientist and also an honest person. I want the people to know me as a person who won’t hesitate to take responsibility on the mistakes I have done. I want to establish an example for myself that I am truthful to the world.  And the best way to begin is... I will start with the confessions of my darkest sins.

So, what do I have to confess on this blog? There are many things. Starting with, not many of you know that I was an internet porn addict during my 11^th and 12^th class. It was one of those difficult times and I got into bad company. It all started like this. When I joined Gowtam Junior college for my 11^th, I was put into EAMCET coaching section. Within few days, my father realized that I need IIT coaching so he asked the college management to transfer me in IIT coaching section. Due to some reason, I was put into a section which consisted of students who have finished their 10^th standard from CBSE syllabus. Those people started treating me like an inferior since I was from SSC section. Things got really bad when some students made communal remarks and it eventually deeply affected my studies. There I was, with no friends, ill-treated with fellow class-mates and above that, not-performing well in studies. During the mid of 11^th standard, I got into company of some guys who talked well with me, at least they didn’t consider me as inferior. Soon I started joining them in all their activities. They took me to cyber cafes to watch porn. It started as fun and soon I got addicted to it. This continued for a year or so. I told several times to myself that what I was doing was wrong and yet... I felt something nice then watching porn.

Soon, I started performing well in studies but somehow I wasn’t able to connect myself. That’s when I realized that I have fallen into a pit-hole. I couldn’t raise my hands up and ask for help from Allah. I felt so guilty of doing wrong things. That’s when the science helped me to come out of it. I pushed myself into science, day and night, I wanted to remove all those thoughts and get involved in research. Things got normal but at a cost. I could have easily made it through IIT-JEE exam but there was bad luck. I cross the screening exam with a good rank however in the main exam, I was disqualified in physics. As per the mark sheet, I scored “2/60” marks in physics. I know for sure that I have not written the exam so bad that I scored only 2 marks. Probably, God wanted to punish me and there I was with a horrible EAMCET rank.

Later, I joined GRIET for Electronics and Communication engineering. For about year and half I was strictly away from porn. And then, something worse happened. A friend of mine gave me “Kaho na pyar hain” CDs. It was a three CD pack. And the third CD was misplaced with a CD containing some porn movie. I was expecting it to be the climax of Kaho na pyar hain movie. The worse thing was, for the first 10-15 minutes, it didn’t appear like a porn-movie. It was so well made and that got me into it. I should have stopped it but I watched it. This was just before the First year engineering exams. I lost so much of my confidence. I cried several times before God to forgive me. I think, this time Allah was kind, I topped first year engineering at my college. The competition was close and I was ahead only by 4 marks. I didn’t celebrate the results.

My next encounter with porn was during third year 1^st semester. Actually, it wasn’t porn, it was the weirdest video I have ever watched. Few classmates were discussing about some world-record videos. One of them gave me a CD and told me that it contained some videos of world records.  It was only upon watching I got to know what kind of world records were these. But he was true, those were indeed world records. But it was the compilation of the worst world records I have ever seen. In between, I saw another 10-20 second video at my friends place. It was an alleged video of a Telugu movie actress. Again, it was because the news about the video was shown in news channels and papers, the curiosity pushed me to view it.  For another one year, I never went anywhere closer to porn.  Again in final year engineering, I happened to view another moderately adult movie at a friend’s place. It was one of those B-grade Indian movies where people do crazy stuff with their clothes on.

Well, those were the darkest mistakes of my student life. Soon, things changed, I got internship at Microsoft and subsequently got offered for full-time employment. Things were going great until I landed up in US. I don’t want to give justifications but this is the worst mistake I have done. Along with few others, I visited “Show Girls” strip club in US. Right from the beginning, I was guilty about it but then I visited it because I wanted to experience it. The very thought of experiencing it is wrong but then I am a human and that thought occurred. The experience was just limited to seeing naked girls and I didn’t indulge in any other stuff. However, let me confess, I was disappointed at the quality that I saw. It was more of a circus with girls climbing poles than the show of elegant feminine beauty.

When I confess all this, I know that most of you are going to take it in a wrong way. And I also know that most of you have better expectations from me. I wish I was never involved in all the above mentioned things, but the truth is I was. Apologizes to my parents, my sisters, my friends, and the people who follow my blog... I can’t change the truth... maybe if make a time-machine I might , but then that's a very rare possibility. I have no justification for all the above mentioned things I have done ... maybe I deserve your punishment but still I ask for your forgiveness...and hope that you treat me the same way as you have treated before.

Few days back, I saw another movie called “Body of Lies”. The movie was about how American Secret agencies work in Middle East regions and the conditions there. I don’t know what has happened to me, getting sick of my stupidity in wasting time. I wait for weekend to do something interesting and when the weekend arrives I just waste it. I am at my worst when I am not allowed to do what I want. And that’s exactly the reason behind my disinterest in doing anything productive. I am sick of explaining people about what I want from life. Their rigidness and lack of sense has deeply affected the direction of my life. How long can a person keep explaining? Either I am psychologically damaged or they don’t want to understand me. I feel like leaving everything, runaway somewhere but the only reason I stay back is because I care for these people.

There are things that I want to achieve, discover and formulate but the circumstances take me miles away from it. I was meant to be a discoverer but here I am facing the stupid aspects of live. I have learnt a lot of hard lessons from life. It takes more than a person to achieve a name in history. And I have realized that people around me are here to cause more troubles then helping me in reaching the destination. Nevertheless, as long as God is on my side, I can face any trouble.